CONIFER – On the afternoon of May 29, the former tenant texted her former landlord. “I just realized I need to come by and grab my Christmas tree.” Several hours later, Former Landlord read the text and replied, “I threw it out. You are not to step foot on my property or I will consider it trespassing.” By the time of his reading and writing, of course, Former Tenant had already come and gone, recovering the box containing her Christmas tree, which wasn’t quite as thrown out as described. Former Landlord called JCSO, telling deputies that Former Tenant had burgled his property, entering without leave and making away with the Christmas tree box plus two additional boxes of valuable things that didn’t belong to her. As luck would have it, Former Landlord’s new tenant was at home, telling deputies she’d given Former Tenant permission to go inside, which pretty much sucked all the air out of Former Landlord’s trespassing complaint. As to robbery, Former Landlord couldn’t remember what the stolen boxes looked like or exactly what was in them, and when deputies contacted Former Tenant at her new address they found the Christmas tree all alone in the back of her car, offering scant evidence of theft. Officers advised Former Tenant to stay away from her former residence. Former Tenant didn’t need to be told twice.
EVERGREEN – Stepping into his garage on May 20, Rex encountered his neighbor Rusty’s dog eating out of his own dog’s bowl. Rex sent Rusty an email suggesting he keep his dog in his own yard, and then considered the matter closed until the evening of May 28 when Rusty spoiled his family’s feast al fresco. As Rex and relations dined on the deck, Rusty appeared below, “exposing his buttocks” to Mrs. Rex and denouncing them all as “(Feckless) Canadians!” Rex asked deputies to document the disturbance against the day fur may fly afresh.
EVERGREEN – At about 10 o’clock on the morning of May 30, Seigfried and Roy met via an online dating site. By noon, Siegfried had picked up Roy at his Lakewood home and brought him to Evergreen where he could help Siegfried collect some heavy items from his storage unit. Around 12:49 p.m. or so, Roy grew suddenly “paranoid,” accusing Siegfried of “stealing my headphones” and violently rifling through Siegfried’s collected treasures in search of them. Unable to calm Roy, and desperate to protect his stuff, Siegfried put Roy in a “headlock.” At 12:50 p.m., Roy “bit” Siegfried’s arm, and at 12:51 p.m. Siegfried physically expelled Roy from the unit and dialed 911. Roy didn’t dispute the basic facts of the case, but told deputies he was pretty sure Siegfried had stolen his headphones, and that he’d been forced to bite Siegfried in order to escape his iron clutches. Siegfried didn’t want Roy cited for malicious munching, he just wanted him out of his storage locker and his life. The deputies determined that neither case had any teeth.
Don’t look now…
EVERGREEN – Deputies responded quickly and en masse. According to the anonymous 911 call, a man in the grocery store parking lot had been observed “waving a gun in the air.” Cautiously confronted, the alleged weapon waver denied the deed, explaining to deputies that he’d merely been “using binoculars” to “look up at the mountains.” Available evidence amply supported the “binocular” theory of the crime, which isn’t actually a crime.
Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty.